Distance, Death, and Depression

Love and particularly long-distance love had me looking at life through a different lens. Time, especially, took on a whole new meaning. Death is never easy and the Lord knows I have experienced my share over my many years. But when the news came that the mother of one of Darcie's friends had died, it hit me very hard. She had been diagnosed with cancer in January yet it was inconceivable that she lost her battle within 10 short months. At the risk of being cliché, I was overcome with the reminder that we have no guarantees. It made being apart from Mike even more difficult. I began to resent the days that were passing while 892 miles separated us.

I had vowed to myself that I would always be upbeat during my phone conversations with Mike. Who wants to talk to someone who's depressed? It was a vow that I was finding difficult to maintain. I should probably mention that I was in the throes of menopause (and still am BTW) with ALL the inherent symptoms - the worst of which, for me, at least, was depression. Tears would suddenly erupt from my eyes and I was overwhelmed with an inexplicable melancholy that couldn't be shaken. This had been going on for over a year and a half and was getting progressively more intense. Although my vow to be upbeat was practically a newborn (less than a month old at this point in the relationship) the hormonal demon made it impossible to follow through.

Our conversations over the next few days took a downhill turn and I found it difficult to sort through the tangle of emotions I was feeling. Don't get me wrong, there were no cruel words exchanged. There was no anger. Our love was in tact and unscathed. But the enormity of the challenges we were facing with a long-term, long-distance relationship were beginning to hit home. I felt like I had become a piece of paper jammed in a shredder - part of me whole and strong from my new-found love, another part of me shredded to bits in the bottom of the bin. After all, I had not even dealt with the day-to-day struggles of a normal relationship for a very long time. This one had the additional elements of distance, children and that dreaded menopause.

I truly didn't know how I was going to make it until Mike's next visit, which was still nearly two weeks away. He managed to always say the right things to keep me going and so we plodded on.