Speed Bumps And Pitfalls

I know it's been a LONG time since I've posted. Like so many people, the economy has reached deeply into my life and I have had to spend the majority of my time figuring out how to survive.

Besides, I find myself in the difficult position that so many writers share. The most poignant things I want to write about are also the most personal and involve others than me alone. I once read a book about the greatest challenge to writers being the fear of offending their loved ones. I have to admit, that fear is my greatest obstacle. And when you throw in the ubiquitous and eternal nature of the Internet, my trepidation increases exponentially. However, I also have a strong desire to help my fellow travelers navigate the journey of a long-distance relationship. So I will continue to search for a happy compromise.

That said, here's an update on my LDR front. Mike and I just celebrated 40 months together! We've recently had some major speed bumps but I'm happy to say, our chasis stayed intact. We have both been faced with some of life's biggest stressors. I know we're not alone or unique but that knowledge doesn't lighten the load.

I could go into all the issues of late but I'll stick to just one for this post. As I've written before, Mike's son is in his freshman year of college out of state. His daughter, who is a senior in college, moved out of the house in January. She even took the cats (good news for my allergies). Now Mike finds himself in a true empty nest - at least until summer. It's been a period of transition and learning for him. We talk on the phone - he's alone in his house, I'm alone in my mine - and we wonder why the heck we're not together. Of course, we both know the answers as they have not changed, but still, it seems unfair. I know he would like nothing better than for me to pack up and move to Denver. I, of course, wish he would pack up and move to Dallas. As the months, and yes, years of our LDR go by, the time for a decision is fast approaching. Neither one of us wants to continue apart indefinitely.

The thing I want to share with all of you is how wonderful Mike has been by not pressuring me. Neither have I pressured him. This is not just a potential pitfall but could turn into a relationship killer if you're not careful. It's easy to say, "If you loved me you'd..." but when it comes to turning one's life upside down, nothing is easy. Try to remember that it is not a reflection of the depth of love and committment. Be understanding and patient and your relationship will remain strong.

Valentine's Day Gift Idea

So the holiday for lover's is less than a week away and I'm sure for many, it is bittersweet. I am so very fortunate this year because Mike is coming to spend Valentine's Day with me. It's fortunate that it falls on a Saturday this year. It should give more long-distance lovers a chance to be together.

If by some sad circumstance you will not get to be with the one you love, I've found a gift that is romantic and sweet and can be personalized just for you - Personalized Message in a Bottle. This same site that I stumbled upon has lots of wonderful and romantic gifts so browse it and I'm sure you'll find the perfect expression of your love. I would have shared it sooner but I just found it myself. I know the days are short but it's not too late to order in time for Valentine's Day if you hurry.

My wish for all of you is that you get to be together for a day of love, romance and the sheer (and rare) pleasure of each other's company. I'd love to hear from you about your plans. Please fill out the survey on the left and leave a comment as well.

Long-Distance Forever?

Sometimes it seems like my long-distance relationship will remain long-distance forever. And sometimes that doesn't seem like such a bad idea. I've been on my own for so long now that I sometimes wonder if Mike and I can really forge a life together. There are so many sacrifices to be made that it frightens me to even consider stepping off that ledge.

And then I think about how incredible it feels to be in his arms. And how much I love to hear him laugh. And how long I can just gaze into his beautiful eyes. And I realize that somehow, we will have to find a way.

I'm inspired by a woman in my chorus who truly put it all on the line. Like the rest of us, she fell in love with someone geographically undesireable. She bravely and boldy packed up her life and moved to Mexico to be with him. I admire her spirit and hope that when the time is right, I can make the transition with as much gusto as she did.

Left Behind

The holidays, family issues, and illness have taken their toll on me to start the new year so I haven't had a chance to write lately.

For the past three years, I have accompanied Mike to his annual sales meeting at various locations in the U.S. We've been to Hilton Head, Austin, and Orlando. We've always extended the stay over the weekend to enjoy a little getaway. Unfortunately, this past year his company was sold and the new ownership does not permit spouses or significant others to be part of the event. I don't know if this has always been their policy or if it's a sign of the troubled economic times, but it's sad either way. There is an awards dinner at the end of the 3-day event to honor those who have performed to a higher standard and Mike has consistently been a top performer. It's so much more meaningful to have our loved ones share in those moments and it has always been the highlight of the week. This year, there will be no family or friends to cheer the winners... just co-workers.

All of this is to say, Mike is away right now and I'm not with him. They even extended the event an extra day so this year, with travel, he'll be occupied for 5 days. He's incredibly busy and has to share a room with a co-worker so our talk time is VERY limited - maybe 10 minutes a day. Since we normally talk during Mike's commute (one hour each way), I'm definitely suffering from withdrawal.

It may seem odd to talk about Mike being away when in truth, he's always "away". But somehow, this is different. At least when he's in Denver, I can picture him in his car, his home, his office. I've been to all those places so I feel a part of them. But now he's somewhere I can't visualize and it makes him seem a little farther away.

I've decided to spend the extra time working and trying to catch up after the holidays. Writing about Mike keeps him in my mind and helps me stay connected. I'll sure be glad when he gets back home.

The LDR Dilemma - Here or There

I swear I don't know where the time goes. I can't believe I haven't written a post since Thanksgiving! And yet, the time apart from Mike seems to drag.

For a quick catch up, Mike came for a visit last weekend. My chorus had a holiday show on the 13th and he came for that. It was great having him in the audience but unfortunately, it meant we didn't get to spend much time together. The show went very well - our best ever, in fact.

Now I'm facing that ever-challenging dilemma that plagues long-distance relationships. This time it has to do with New Year's. My daughter's home for Christmas break and will be here until January 10th and of course, I want to spend as much time with her as possible. I also want to spend New Year's with Mike. Being torn between 2 locations is, for me, the most heart-wrenching part of our LDR. I know we will eventually have to make some decisions but every time I think about it, it makes my stomach hurt.

So I think I will end up going to Denver around the 30th and coming back on the 4th. At least we will get to bring in the New Year together even though I will miss some of Mike's family holiday events the previous weekend. If only I had that Star Trek transporter in my garage!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Here it is... the day before Thanksgiving, and I'm facing another holiday away from my sweet Mike. Are you facing the same sad situation? This is actually our fourth Thanksgiving spent in separate states! And no, it doesn't get any easier. Yes, I've resigned myself to our plight but it makes it no less heart-wrenching.

To add to my separation anxiety, my daughter did not get to come home. With the current economic turmoil, we couldn't justify spending $700 for 2 days at home - despite how important I think it is for family to be together. I wish the airlines would have a special Thanksgiving airfare for college students but that's a whole other topic.

So what do I plan to do? How will I manage the day? I'm going to spend it surrounded by friends and family who will help distract me. Tonight I'm going to bake some delicious Pumpkin Pie Cakes. Tomorrow I will get up, go to church, and most importantly, remember the purpose of the day. I will write down everything I have to be thankful for. The list is long - not the least of which are my loved ones both near and far and the many blessings I have in my life.

And Mike, a special thanks to you for bringing such joy to my life, even at a distance.

I wish all of you the blessings of family and friends, good food and fellowship, and love.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Paradise Lost

Boo hoo. I'm back from Paradise - an amazing week of sunsets, long walks on the beach, breakfasts on the balcony, incredible seafood and even a sunrise (I'm not a morning person!). And all with the love of my life. It was the perfect anniversary trip. We're already trying to figure out when we can go back. And hopefully you'll forgive me for not posting like I said I would. The time flew by, so my apologies.

After spending such a wonderful week together it's harder than ever to be away from my sweet Mike. That's the hazard to glorious visits. You realize more than ever, how much you miss each other during the separations.

Now, I make it a point to emphasize the positive aspects of long-distance relationships. It's one of my main coping mechanisms. In fact, I even wrote a free report that's available on my website A Long Distance Love. If you have a moment please check it out. I think I need to go back and reread it to remind myself because I have to admit I'm feeling pretty melancholy right now.

Adding to my funk, is the fact that we have not planned our next visit. A big no-no in the LDR rule book. But with the holidays approaching and the increasing demands on our time (my rehearsal and performance schedule keeps me VERY busy during this time of year as does Mike's job) it's difficult to coordinate a time when we can eke out a long weekend. After 3 years of carrying on this crazy long-distance relationship thing, I have faith that something will work out. There was a time when I couldn't be so calm. Thankfully, I'm handling this, even though it's the first time in the relationship that we don't have a "next visit" to anticipate.

I really would love to get input from all of you about how you cope with post-visit anxiety. All of us in LDRs can use all the coping skills we can get - especially as the holidays loom ever closer.

The View

Well, the post from my Blackberry worked but I couldn't get the picture to work so here it is - the old-fashioned way... from my laptop. Let me just say that this picture does not do justice to the amazing colors. The water is varying shades of blues and emerald greens. The sand is sugar-white. You can see why I don't ever want to leave!

Blackberry On The Beach

What an absolutely amazing, incredible world we live in. And what a wonderful, beautiful day it is today. I have lots to share!

On Friday I took a plunge and bought a Blackberry Curve. I'll save the gory details of the problems I encountered for another day but all those issues aside, I love it! Just read on.

Today is also Mike's and my third anniversary together. We are actually sitting on the gorgeous, sugar sand beach in Destin, Florida right this very minute. Yes, I'm writing this post from my Blackberry. I'm not even sure how it's going to work but I'm giving it a try.

I'm also going to try to attach the picture I took from our balcony - also using the Blackberry. Please bear with me as I learn this technology.
Tonight, Mike and I have plans to dine at a restaraunt right on the beach.

I'll write all about this romantic getaway in the days ahead. Life just doesn't get any better than this!

Long Distance Relationships

Certainly long distance relationships are not age specific but a large number of these couples are in college. Both my son and my daughter have experience with LDRs.

I read this article today and was impressed with the wisdom and maturity of the sentiments.

Young couples experience challenges in relationships - Life/styles: "Long distance relationships can add extra hardships to the commitments that couples make. Mary Mongarella, a junior at Quinnipiac, has been with her boyfriend for several years and has experienced these obstacles.

'I think that when you're away from each other, it definitely puts a strain on your relationship at the beginning [when you first go away,] but then you become even closer because you realize how strong your relationship is,' she said."

I very much agree with this young woman's assessment. My LDR is fast approaching the 3-year mark and although there are still tears with every separation, in many ways it's easier now than it was in the beginning. As well as realizing how strong our relationship is, it's easier to accept the times we are apart because of how magnificent our times together are.

So for anyone wondering if a long distance relationship can work, the answer is a definite yes!

Nights in Rodanthe

I'm back from Denver and although I have a very busy week ahead of me, I'm still struggling with being away from Mike again.

Typically, we don't go to movies when we're together. To some extent it feels like a waste of our very precious "in-person" time. In fact, we have only been to 2 movies in nearly 3 years. That's not to say we don't watch movies. We just prefer to rent them and watch from home where we can be snuggled up together and chat if we want, pause if we want, you know... all the stuff that makes DVD technology so great.

Well, for our third anniversary (I can't believe we've been doing this for 3 years!) my sweet Mike has rented us a condo in Destin, Florida for an entire week (more on this later). How glorious is that! So anyway, I was in the mood for a romantic chick flick with a beach setting and Nights in Rodanthe seemed to fit the bill. I had no idea at the time that it involved a long-distance relationship. I don't want to give away the plot but suffice it to say that although I enjoyed the beach scenery, the movie was disheartening and tugs particularly hard at the heartstrings of those of us in LDRs.

I'm not suggesting you don't see it, I'm just telling you to be prepared and don't allow your emotions to be over-whelmed with "what-ifs".

Warm Hands, Warm Heart

I read a very interesting article this morning regarding how temperature affects our behavior and our attitude toward others - Hot cuppa makes you feel good about others.

It started with this intriguing first line:

Our judgement of someone's character can be influenced by something as simple as the temperature of a drink held in our hands, say US researchers.

It went on to describe how people assessed others after holding something warm or holding something cold.

The participants assessed the person as significantly "warmer" if they had previously held the warm cup of coffee rather than the iced cup of coffee.

It went on:

In a second study, participants held heated or frozen therapeutic packs as part of a product evaluation study and then were told they could receive a gift certificate for a friend or a gift for themselves.

Those who held the hot pack were more likely to ask for the gift certificate, while those who held the frozen pack tended to keep the gift for themselves.

"It appears that the effect of physical temperature is not just on how we see others, it affects our own behaviour as well," says Bargh.

"Physical warmth can make us see others as warmer people, but also cause us to be warmer - more generous and trusting - as well."

So what does all this have to do with long-distance relationships? Well, as we are painfully aware, we don't often get to share a warm embrace with our long-distance love. A great deal of our relationship takes place over the phone where it's impossible to see things like body language and facial expressions. This can sometimes lead to misunderstandings, especially when we may be stressed or tired.

Here's my personal plan, and dare I say recommendation for you to try as well. I'll make sure I have a warm drink in hand whenever there's the slightest chance that Mike and I will have a stressful conversation. And if a regular conversation takes an unexpected and relationship-endangering turn, I'll make a fast cup of tea in the microwave. That way, I'll be able to give Mike the benefit of the doubt and I'll be more loving in my words as well.

So why did it take researchers so long to figure out what my grandma used to say to me when I was a kid - "warm hands, warm heart"!

Playing House in Denver

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written a post. I am just way too busy right now. So this is just to let everyone know that I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Actually, I'm in Denver with my sweetie.

I came out to help Mike host his annual Fantasy Football League Monday Night Game. Denver played the Patriots (or should I say, got creamed by the Patriots). I made meatball sandwiches, baked rotini, pumpkin pie cake and mini cheesecakes. Despite the horrible game (for the Denver fans), the food was a big hit and it was fun "playing house" with Mike. What made it extra special was my son came out, too. He had never been to Mike's house and it was good for him to see where his mom lives the other half of her life.

This is kind of a long visit for me. I arrived last Friday and will be staying until Saturday or Sunday. I'd stay longer but I have obligations in Dallas that require my return. Happily, I will only be home a week before I leave for our anniversary trip to Destin, Florida. Three years! Unbelievable! I never thought I could do this LDR thing this long. But when you're in love...

Request For Poems and Quotes

I'm on a quest seeking poems and quotes relating to long-distance relationships. If you have something to submit, please send me an email: ann@alongdistancelove.com.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Is Cursive Dying?

This may seem like a rather odd topic for a blog on long-distance relationships but keep reading and the logic will make sense.

Yesterday, one of my friends told me she was having a discussion with some parents about education. She was shocked when these parents revealed that their children were no longer being taught to write in cursive. Granted this is second-hand information but it got me thinking. After getting over my own shock, I was saddened for two reasons.

The most obvious concern is that the ability to transmit information with paper and pen will decrease with the passing years. Not to mention, are we forgetting the little thrill we all get when there is something in our mailbox besides bills and junk mail? What will become of the gentility of a thank you note? Perhaps everyone will use print as opposed to cursive when writing by hand, but it will certainly be less elegant.

Setting aside the deteriorating ability to write, what will become of future generations' ability to read letters of historic value and interest? Will the love letters of the past, so carefully and lovingly crafted by hand, be converted into digital text to be read on a computer screen? Or worse, will they be lost forever, relegated to a forgotten storage room because few people can actually read them anyway?

One of the sweetest, most romantic things we can do for our long-distance sweetheart, is sit down and take the time to write a love letter by hand. There's something beyond definition that occurs when you write down your feelings by hand. Your entire body participates - your brain, your heart and your hand - strengthening your feelings and your bond to your faraway love. That same undefinable bond traverses the miles and fills your beloved with feelings of love and closeness when he or she reads your heartfelt words. It is such a wonderful way to stay connected despite the distance and I think it is so sad that it may slip away from us.

Now, having said all that, I have a confession. I was writing thank you notes for the gifts I received for my recent birthday and I was ashamed at how much trouble I had. Not with the expressions of gratitude, but with my ability to write legibly and without errors. I need to make an effort to write on a more regular basis. And what better way than to write to my dear Mike and let him know what he means to me. Won't you join me? Send a love letter to your sweetie today!

My eBook is Online

I know I haven't posted for awhile but I have a VERY good reason. I have been working diligently on the final edits of my eBook, "How to Make a Long-Distance Relationship Work". Long days and sleepless nights have gone into this project so I am thrilled to announce that the eagerly-awaited book is finally done and is online at www.alongdistancelove.com. Please take a minute to check it out.

I have learned so much while writing this. First their were the technical aspects of publishing an eBook. But more importantly, writing it gave me the opportunity to really think about my long-distance relationship - all the wonderful and positive things, and the unique challenges we all face when we participate in LDRs.

One of the really great things about pursuing this topic to build a business upon is that it reminds me how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful man in my life, despite the fact that he is usually 900 miles away. Focusing on how we are able to make our LDR work gives me inspiration to teach others to have the same kind of happy and fulfilling relationship that Mike and I share. And lastly, it keeps me very busy and helps the days pass quickly between visits.

Speaking of that, I will be going to Denver two weeks from today. Today is also a milestone in that it is our 35th monthiversary.

Mike has made special plans for our third anniversary next month so come back to get more details. It may give you some ideas on what you can do to add more romance to your LDR.

Social Networking

Mike left on Tuesday and I'm struggling with the separation... again. I had hoped things would get easier as I got used to the distance. After all, we've been doing this for nearly 3 years. In some ways they have gotten a little better. For instance, I've learned not to start crying the day before the visit ends. Rather, I try to enjoy every precious moment and save my tears for the hug goodbye at the airport.

On the other hand, it's harder for me to get back to my "normal" routine after a visit. I find myself questioning why we can't just be in the same place... together... for the rest of our days. Of course, the answers are still the same and the same frustrations rush over me like a giant wave and I feel like I'm drowning in sadness. It will be more than a year at least before we can consider moves.

I'm always looking for new ways to cope with the anxiety. Along those lines, I discovered a new social network called Ning and I decided to create a network for long distance relationships. It can be found at longdistancelove.ning.com. Hop on over and check it out. Join in and share with others who are dealing with the same issues as you. Sign up is free!

The Best Birthday Cake Ever

It's been very busy at my house ever since Mike got here which is why I haven't written for a few days. In my last post I was describing my traumatic visit to the jewelry store where I had to leave my engagement ring to have a missing diamond replaced. I'm happy to announce that true to their word, it was ready for me on Friday. It was very fortunate because Mike was here and was able to put it back on my finger as always.

We have had such an amazing time together. Last post I also hinted that I had a big event approaching. Well, I had a momentous birthday on Saturday. I must sound like a drama queen but this particularly birthday was kind of difficult for me - not so much because of the age, but more because I didn't expect my life to be where it is at this point. But I'm trying to focus on all the positives in my life and Mike is one of the biggest positives anyone could imagine.

He has been so incredibly sweet to me. As one of my birthday gifts, he made me a coconut cake from scratch. I LOVE coconut cake and haven't had one for longer than I can recall. It was the first scratch cake Mike had ever made and the first time a man had made a cake for me so I consider that rather significant. It is yet one more demonstration of the incredible, fairy tale love Mike and I share.

I can't begin to describe how sad I will be tomorrow when I have to take him to the airport. It seems to be getting harder to say goodbye.

A Ring Is Just A Ring - Or Is It?

So yesterday's trip to the jewelry store was more traumatic than I anticipated. It turned out when I got there that the guy I needed to see was on a conference call that was scheduled to last for another hour and a half. I couldn't wait that long so the woman helping me suggested I give her the ring and she would take it back for him to look at it. Of course, I politely refused. I wasn't taking off my ring unless it was absolutely necessary.

Jason, came out from his call, and although he tried valiantly to hide his irritation, I sensed it nonetheless. Who can blame him? I must have seemed like a truly emotional nutcase - it's just a ring after all!

As corny as this sounds, it's not just a ring to me. Mike and I had a discussion along these lines several months ago when a friend of his was offered three times the price he had paid for an engagement ring he bought through an online auction. Mike asked if I would sell my ring if someone offered me three times the amount he had paid. I said, "No way!" Playing devil's advocate he said it was just a ring that could be replaced. I quickly informed him that, indeed, it was just ring, a simple piece of jewelry... when it was in the case at the store. Once he bought it and put in on my finger - and yes, he got down on one knee - it became a symbol of our love and commitment. I can be such a romantic sometimes.

The day Mike proposed I vowed I would never take that ring off unless he was around to put it back on my finger. That may seem excessive to some people, but it has a lot of meaning for us and our long-distance relationship. It's something special that symbolizes our trust and commitment to each other despite the miles between us.

So, there I was at the jewelry store, sans Mike and I had to take off my ring. As I said, it was harder than I expected and I started to cry. Jason had gone back to his call and fortunately, I was in the hands of a woman who was very sympathetic and understanding. When I left the store, I couldn't believe how sullen I felt. My shoulders were slumped, my eyes were downcast, and I kept rubbing my naked finger. I called Mike and desperately kept swallowing the lump in my throat and blinking back the tears that were stinging my eyes.

I won't know until Friday how long it will take to fix my ring (see yesterday's post, 9/15) but I'm hoping to have it back in time for my big event on Saturday. I'll tell you about that next time!

A Missing Diamond

I had something happen yesterday that I would like to describe as a personal crisis but I really need to keep it in perspective. Especially in light of all the recent disasters that have affected so many people. But I'm sure you engaged women will be able to relate to my upsetting situation.

I have an absolutely gorgeous engagement ring. One of my little "things" is that I won't take my ring off unless Mike is around to put it back on my finger. Whenever we're together, we take it in to get it cleaned. It's insured so it also gets inspected every six months - when Mike is in town. I have developed the habit of checking it myself every day (often more than once) - mostly because I love it and it gives me a moment each day to relive the day my sweet love asked me to marry him, but also to make sure it is all intact.

Well, yesterday I went out to run some errands. I was stopped at a red light and looked at my ring and about freaked out... there was a diamond missing! I couldn't believe it. I looked again more closely and sure enough, one of the smaller diamonds on the band was gone. I was sick. I immediately called Mike.

He's such a sweetie, he called the jewelry store and called me back with the news. There are 2 scenarios neither of which I'm looking forward to because I will be without my ring no matter what. But one is definitely preferable to the other. Depending on what they find out when they actually see the ring, it will be off of my finger for anywhere from 3 days to 8 weeks! My stomach hurts just writing about it. I really can't imagine going 8 weeks with a naked finger.

Anyway, I won't know until tomorrow afternoon so I'll post after I find out the verdict. Of course I'm hoping for the 3 days. I think I can handle that, and Mike will be here to put it back on my finger.