Distance, Death, and Depression

Love and particularly long-distance love had me looking at life through a different lens. Time, especially, took on a whole new meaning. Death is never easy and the Lord knows I have experienced my share over my many years. But when the news came that the mother of one of Darcie's friends had died, it hit me very hard. She had been diagnosed with cancer in January yet it was inconceivable that she lost her battle within 10 short months. At the risk of being cliché, I was overcome with the reminder that we have no guarantees. It made being apart from Mike even more difficult. I began to resent the days that were passing while 892 miles separated us.

I had vowed to myself that I would always be upbeat during my phone conversations with Mike. Who wants to talk to someone who's depressed? It was a vow that I was finding difficult to maintain. I should probably mention that I was in the throes of menopause (and still am BTW) with ALL the inherent symptoms - the worst of which, for me, at least, was depression. Tears would suddenly erupt from my eyes and I was overwhelmed with an inexplicable melancholy that couldn't be shaken. This had been going on for over a year and a half and was getting progressively more intense. Although my vow to be upbeat was practically a newborn (less than a month old at this point in the relationship) the hormonal demon made it impossible to follow through.

Our conversations over the next few days took a downhill turn and I found it difficult to sort through the tangle of emotions I was feeling. Don't get me wrong, there were no cruel words exchanged. There was no anger. Our love was in tact and unscathed. But the enormity of the challenges we were facing with a long-term, long-distance relationship were beginning to hit home. I felt like I had become a piece of paper jammed in a shredder - part of me whole and strong from my new-found love, another part of me shredded to bits in the bottom of the bin. After all, I had not even dealt with the day-to-day struggles of a normal relationship for a very long time. This one had the additional elements of distance, children and that dreaded menopause.

I truly didn't know how I was going to make it until Mike's next visit, which was still nearly two weeks away. He managed to always say the right things to keep me going and so we plodded on.

Confirmed

It was a few hours later on Wednesday that I received the following email with a Subject line: Confirmed.

Hi Baby,

Well, I just took the plunge for our next weekend together. Call me and we can discuss.

Love,
Mike

Since our phone calls typically lasted over an hour, the plan we had worked out was for me to call Mike's house after 9:00 PM Central time. I would call from my cell phone so the call was free. I know it seems silly but it was a challenge to wait for the clock to strike 9:00. At 9:00:03 I dialed my phone and heard Mike's very sexy voice. "Hi baby, when are you coming back?" I asked immediately.

He laughed in that way that warmed me all over. "How does December 8th sound?"

"Far away, but I'll take it. I can't wait to see you again. I can't believe how hard this is. Can we really manage a long distance relationship? How will I survive until I see you again?"

"Hold on," he chuckled. "We'll do this one day at a time. If we want it bad enough, we can make it work. I'm not disregarding all the challenges we have ahead of us, some of which we have yet to discover, but together, we can overcome any obstacle. I'm very confident about that!"

His words reassured me but I also felt like my body would burst. I literally ached to feel his arms around me again. I wanted nothing more than to be curled up next to him with my head on his chest. Missing him was visceral. I wish I shared his confidence but the truth was, I felt like I might explode with the need to be near him again. Like a prisoner might do while waiting to be released, I figured out how many hours it would be before Mike's arrival and I started the countdown.

The Morning After

It had been less than 7 weeks since I turned 47. In all those years I had experienced the gamut of love - puppy love, first love, lust disguised as love, committed love otherwise known as marriage, and maternal love. I had come to believe that true love was a thing of fiction - a creation of authors and screenwriters. I was willing to give that maybe, perhaps, in some small fraction of humanity, there were people who believed they had met their soul mates. I was also convinced that I could and would never be one of those people. I won't say I was the world's biggest cynic but I was pretty close.

So it was certainly a personal paradigm shift to feel the way I did over the last few days. And now that Mike was gone, I felt like a part of me was missing. I had never felt anything so intense in my entire life. Having just admitted my cynicism regarding love, it may seem ironic for me to turn around and say that I love romance (One can always have hope, right? But that's a whole other topic). I also have a passion for music. I can't say I have a huge CD collection but it is respectable and eclectic. Since there was no possible way I could get Mike off of my mind and I was totally immersed in feeling the most intense love of my existence, I decided to make a CD of romantic songs. Every song I listened to seemed more appropriate than the one before. Like a baby beginning to explore the world, I listened with new ears and a new heart. There were so many songs that conveyed exactly how I was feeling. How perfect to begin with a Collin Raye song called The Walls Came Down. After all, the carefully constructed walls that had protected my heart for so long, had crumbled the instant I laid eyes on Mike at the airport. One of the most romantic CDs I have ever heard is Visions of Love by Jim Brickman. I selected several songs from that one, including Love of My Life and After All These Years. I added several cuts from CDs by Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Celine Dion and many others. I had filled 2 CDs and decided that was enough for now.

I listened to those CDs over and over and each time I did, my eyes filled with tears. I began to wonder if Mike really felt the same way I did, or if, once home, the love would fade. This was my first long distance relationship so I didn't really know what to expect. I only knew I was in agony wondering if and when I would see Mike again.

Saying Goodbye

I awoke on Sunday morning with an incongruous combination of euphoria and dread. I had never felt love like this before but the fantasy weekend was coming to an end. Mike was leaving at 3:00 that afternoon.

I sing in my church choir so we got ready and went to church. After returning home, we only had time for Mike to pack and we had to head for the airport. I sat with him as he put his things in his suitcase. I was determined to keep it light so I talked to him about my chorus and the fact that we were going to Las Vegas the following October to compete in the Sweet Adeline's International competition. He surprised me by saying he wanted to go with me. I said,"Are you serious? That's nearly a year away."

"I love Vegas," he responded. "I think it would be fun. Count me in."

OK, call me crazy, but I took this as his way of telling me he was interested in pursuing a relationship. My heart fluttered. But again, the long distance thing reared its ugly head. What was I thinking? And anyway, he hadn't said those three little words. Did that really matter? The feelings were there. At least they were for me and if my woman's intuition was on target, they were there for Mike as well. During one of our many discussions that weekend, Mike revealed that he had had a huge crush on me in high school but that he was too shy to say anything. I found it difficult to believe and I told him so, but he was insistent. Could it be that Mike's shyness and my proper 70's training had prevented us from getting together 30 years ago? Would we let it happen again?

As we drove to the airport, I repeatedly curled Mike's hair around my finger with one hand and held his hand with the other. I was going to miss this. I had quickly become accustomed to feeling Mike's hand wrapped around mine and I didn't want to ever let go. The panic in me rose with each passing mile. I asked Mike to consider staying and he laughed and said he wished he could.

"Why did you have to book such an early flight?" I asked with a girlish pout.

Mike's smile was sheepish as he said, "Honestly, I was a little afraid of how things would go. I didn't want to overstay my welcome in case it wasn't going well. I had no idea how amazing it would be. This entire weekend has been magical."

I waited expectantly for him to continue. Say it, say it, say it. Time is running out. But he didn't say anything more.

We were rounding the bend in the freeway just prior to the airport entrance. I couldn't stand it another minute. At this point, what did I have to lose. One of the best things about middle age is the willingness to take risks that may have seemed unthinkable 20 years earlier. I took the plunge.

"Mike," I began, "we have been dancing around this issue the entire weekend and now you're leaving. Countless times I have stopped myself from saying it, but here goes. I've fallen in love with you."

"Oh thank God! I wasn't sure if you were feeling the same things I was. I love you too."

Our first declaration of love took place just outside of the toll gate to the Dallas airport. How appropriate since we would traverse this territory over and over again.

We got to the baggage check-in and I was about to lose it when I heard Pam's words play in my head. "Whatever you do, don't cry when he leaves. Men hate that. Keep it light."

We hugged, we kissed, I smiled. Inside, I felt like I was dying. Mike promised to come back soon as I got back into my car. I couldn't bring myself to drive away while he was still in sight so I watched him as he walked through the glass doors. By this time the tears were streaming down my face. Just then, Mike turned to look at me. He pressed his lips against the glass in one final kiss. He got on the escalator and was gone.

Saturday Night

Mike and I had an amazing time at dinner with my friends. He continued to impress me with his easy manner and comfort in any situation. Then again, he is a salesman. At one point when he excused himself to go to the men's room, my visiting friend, Robin, said to me, "He's obviously in love with you. The way he looks at you - he drinks you in."

I was pleased at the observation but also a bit skeptical. "Do you really think so? Because, I'm really falling for him in a big way. But it's all happening so fast."

Robin and I had met at work just 3 months before I kicked my now ex-husband out of the house in 1999. She had seen me go through some pretty horrific times. During that same time, my father was dying from a brain tumor. We had become pretty close as co-workers tend to do and she had witnessed my retreat into emotional limbo. She also knew me as a rather methodical, analytical, engineer. My life at that time was all about work and my children.

So that night at dinner she said to me, "Ann, I have never seen you look happier. You are absolutely glowing. The two of you seem like you're truly meant for each other. Just let it happen."

Later that night, Darcie returned home from her own enchanted evening. She had the biggest smile I had ever seen on her face. I wondered if that was how I looked to everyone (I knew it was how I felt). In this world of broadly defined "families" Darcie and I had often compared ourselves to the Gilmore Girls. So it didn't seem the least bit odd that we were both experiencing the headiness of love at the same time. Although it wasn't the first time for me, I knew it was uniquely different. It was the first time for true love.

Sadly, that was also Mike's last night in Dallas. He would be returning to Denver early Sunday afternoon. As we had done so often that weekend, we sat with his arms wrapped around me, my head nestled into his chest. I was struck by the overwhelming peace I felt when in his arms. I wanted desperately to tell him that I loved him but I forced the words to stop short just as they reached my lips. I didn't want to freak him out. It was a feeling I had experienced many times over the past 3 days. But how could that be? I knew beyond doubt that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but could he possibly feel the same way. Had it hit him as hard as it had me? Wasn't love at first sight just a cliche? Then again, this wasn't first sight. But he lived in Denver while I lived in Dallas. Long distance relationships never work out.

I know I've left so much out of this story - the conversations we had, the way I caressed his neck while he drove, the little curl in his hair just behind his right ear, that I loved to wrap around my finger. I've left out how his smile turned me to mush and his eyes made me light-headed. And I've neglected to tell how every time he kissed me (yes, there were more kisses after that first one) my body trembled. It's so hard to describe feelings when the word "love" is not enough. My feelings for Mike touched me at the very center of my being. And tomorrow he would be gone.

Getting Closer

The days went by and Mike and I continued to email each other. We had several nice phone conversations as well. As November 3rd approached, my excitement level increased to such a degree that I swear, I really was a giddy little school girl once again. Although I kept telling myself not to have expectations, I hate to admit that I was fantasizing about the possiblities. Then I reminded myself that he lived in Denver and I lived in Dallas. There was no way either one of us was interested in a long distance relationship. Well, at least I could have a nice long fantasy weekend, pretending that I was actually dating someone. After all, I hadn't really dated since my divorce 6 years earlier. In fact, I was resigned to spending the rest of my years as a single woman and that was just fine with me. Love was highly over-rated and romanticized. In my opinion, there was really no such thing as love anyway, at least not in the sense of a man and a woman. That thing we so eagerly called love was just a need to have another person make us feel good about ourselves.

My emotional whiplash was exhausting so I finally decided to just be casual and let whatever would happen, happen. You'll laugh when you hear how it actually turned out. Talk about naive!

Travel Plans

It wasn't long before Mike and I were on the phone discussing his travel plans. He had booked the Thursday flight. I could barely believe it; after 28 years, Mike was coming back into my life. To say I was excited would be quite the understatement. My mind was racing with all the things I had to do before his arrival in less than 3 weeks - redecorate my house, get a face lift, a tummy tuck and a tan, lose 20 pounds! Well, back to reality - I could at least clean up my house and maybe, with a lot of effort, drop 2 or 3 pounds. But mostly, I needed to get a grip. I remembered the huge crush I had on Mike in high school and I wondered how I would feel seeing him again after all these years.

Paul, who by now knew that Mike and I were planning a get together, sent me pictures from the reunion. I anxiously scanned through all of them until I saw him. He was as gorgeous as I remembered. He epitomized the belief that men get more handsome and distinguished as they age. Now that I knew how little he had changed I started to fret over what he would think of me. My brain still thought I was 17 but my body belied the years. Well, no time for concern, I was getting more and more anxious to see him.

Planning a Visit

For the last 6 years I had attended my children's high school football games alone. For some reason, I would get particularly melancholy at Homecoming games so I had invited Mike for Homecoming weekend on November 4th. Just to add a bit of encouragement, I shot off an email.

Me again,

It was so wonderful to hear your voice and catch up a bit. I REALLY hope you decide to come visit, if not the weekend of the 4th then sometime very soon.

I’m tingly at the thought!

AC

I sing and dance in a Sweet Adeline's chorus that rehearses every Tuesday night. Since this was Tuesday, I had to get to rehearsal. We were preparing for International competition and I had to be at the rehearsal hall at 5:00 PM. Knowing I wouldn't get home until nearly 11:00 PM, I checked my email right before I left the house - nothing! The first thing I did on my return was check my email and I could barely contain my excitement when I found an email from Mike in my Inbox.

AC,

I'd LOVE to come see you. Believe it or not, I'm actually looking at flight options right now. When would you prefer that I come? I can either come in on Thursday around 4:15 , or on Friday at 1:20PM.

I've already cleared the trip with my kids, as long as I promise not to relocate to Dallas permanently.

Let me know your thoughts,

Mike

I responded immediately!

Well, wanting to spend as much time with you as possible, I vote for Thursday!

Have you ever been to Dallas? Don’t make any promises you might not want to keep. :>) Dallas is a great place!


My heart was racing again. Why was I so thrilled with all of this? I kept telling myself not to get too carried away.

Catching Up

We spent about an hour on the phone catching up on 27 years. Following college graduation, Mike's life had brought him across the country to Denver via Chicago. He was in only his second job since graduating. I immediately thought how stable and loyal that made him. His wife passed away 9 years ago and he had since been raising his 2 children all alone. He sounded like a very devoted father, replacing the executive track he had been on, with a sales position so he would have the time he needed to spend with his daughter and son.

I, on the other hand, was divorced nearly 6 years, raising my own son and daughter with all the inherent struggles of single parenthood. We immediately shared this common bond and the child-rearing conversation gave us insight into each others' values. I was delighted with everything I heard, as much of it matched so closely to my own.

Even our children were of similar age - we each had a child in college and a child in high school. We reminisced about our own high school days and it turned out he didn't even remember the chemistry class - only the time we had spent together having our heart-to-heart talks. He also didn't remember the summer we spent together when we were both in college. I just laughed it off and joked that I guessed my company hadn't been too impressive.

Then he asked me if I was serious about him coming to visit and I said of course.

He said, "I'm not very spontaneous but I really would like to come and see you again." We discussed possible dates and by the end of the conversation, he said he would look into it.

My mind was racing. I had barely dated in the 6 years since my divorce. Suddenly I was very excited at the thought that I might see Mike again after all these years.