The LDR Dilemma - Here or There

I swear I don't know where the time goes. I can't believe I haven't written a post since Thanksgiving! And yet, the time apart from Mike seems to drag.

For a quick catch up, Mike came for a visit last weekend. My chorus had a holiday show on the 13th and he came for that. It was great having him in the audience but unfortunately, it meant we didn't get to spend much time together. The show went very well - our best ever, in fact.

Now I'm facing that ever-challenging dilemma that plagues long-distance relationships. This time it has to do with New Year's. My daughter's home for Christmas break and will be here until January 10th and of course, I want to spend as much time with her as possible. I also want to spend New Year's with Mike. Being torn between 2 locations is, for me, the most heart-wrenching part of our LDR. I know we will eventually have to make some decisions but every time I think about it, it makes my stomach hurt.

So I think I will end up going to Denver around the 30th and coming back on the 4th. At least we will get to bring in the New Year together even though I will miss some of Mike's family holiday events the previous weekend. If only I had that Star Trek transporter in my garage!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Here it is... the day before Thanksgiving, and I'm facing another holiday away from my sweet Mike. Are you facing the same sad situation? This is actually our fourth Thanksgiving spent in separate states! And no, it doesn't get any easier. Yes, I've resigned myself to our plight but it makes it no less heart-wrenching.

To add to my separation anxiety, my daughter did not get to come home. With the current economic turmoil, we couldn't justify spending $700 for 2 days at home - despite how important I think it is for family to be together. I wish the airlines would have a special Thanksgiving airfare for college students but that's a whole other topic.

So what do I plan to do? How will I manage the day? I'm going to spend it surrounded by friends and family who will help distract me. Tonight I'm going to bake some delicious Pumpkin Pie Cakes. Tomorrow I will get up, go to church, and most importantly, remember the purpose of the day. I will write down everything I have to be thankful for. The list is long - not the least of which are my loved ones both near and far and the many blessings I have in my life.

And Mike, a special thanks to you for bringing such joy to my life, even at a distance.

I wish all of you the blessings of family and friends, good food and fellowship, and love.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Paradise Lost

Boo hoo. I'm back from Paradise - an amazing week of sunsets, long walks on the beach, breakfasts on the balcony, incredible seafood and even a sunrise (I'm not a morning person!). And all with the love of my life. It was the perfect anniversary trip. We're already trying to figure out when we can go back. And hopefully you'll forgive me for not posting like I said I would. The time flew by, so my apologies.

After spending such a wonderful week together it's harder than ever to be away from my sweet Mike. That's the hazard to glorious visits. You realize more than ever, how much you miss each other during the separations.

Now, I make it a point to emphasize the positive aspects of long-distance relationships. It's one of my main coping mechanisms. In fact, I even wrote a free report that's available on my website A Long Distance Love. If you have a moment please check it out. I think I need to go back and reread it to remind myself because I have to admit I'm feeling pretty melancholy right now.

Adding to my funk, is the fact that we have not planned our next visit. A big no-no in the LDR rule book. But with the holidays approaching and the increasing demands on our time (my rehearsal and performance schedule keeps me VERY busy during this time of year as does Mike's job) it's difficult to coordinate a time when we can eke out a long weekend. After 3 years of carrying on this crazy long-distance relationship thing, I have faith that something will work out. There was a time when I couldn't be so calm. Thankfully, I'm handling this, even though it's the first time in the relationship that we don't have a "next visit" to anticipate.

I really would love to get input from all of you about how you cope with post-visit anxiety. All of us in LDRs can use all the coping skills we can get - especially as the holidays loom ever closer.

The View

Well, the post from my Blackberry worked but I couldn't get the picture to work so here it is - the old-fashioned way... from my laptop. Let me just say that this picture does not do justice to the amazing colors. The water is varying shades of blues and emerald greens. The sand is sugar-white. You can see why I don't ever want to leave!

Blackberry On The Beach

What an absolutely amazing, incredible world we live in. And what a wonderful, beautiful day it is today. I have lots to share!

On Friday I took a plunge and bought a Blackberry Curve. I'll save the gory details of the problems I encountered for another day but all those issues aside, I love it! Just read on.

Today is also Mike's and my third anniversary together. We are actually sitting on the gorgeous, sugar sand beach in Destin, Florida right this very minute. Yes, I'm writing this post from my Blackberry. I'm not even sure how it's going to work but I'm giving it a try.

I'm also going to try to attach the picture I took from our balcony - also using the Blackberry. Please bear with me as I learn this technology.
Tonight, Mike and I have plans to dine at a restaraunt right on the beach.

I'll write all about this romantic getaway in the days ahead. Life just doesn't get any better than this!

Long Distance Relationships

Certainly long distance relationships are not age specific but a large number of these couples are in college. Both my son and my daughter have experience with LDRs.

I read this article today and was impressed with the wisdom and maturity of the sentiments.

Young couples experience challenges in relationships - Life/styles: "Long distance relationships can add extra hardships to the commitments that couples make. Mary Mongarella, a junior at Quinnipiac, has been with her boyfriend for several years and has experienced these obstacles.

'I think that when you're away from each other, it definitely puts a strain on your relationship at the beginning [when you first go away,] but then you become even closer because you realize how strong your relationship is,' she said."

I very much agree with this young woman's assessment. My LDR is fast approaching the 3-year mark and although there are still tears with every separation, in many ways it's easier now than it was in the beginning. As well as realizing how strong our relationship is, it's easier to accept the times we are apart because of how magnificent our times together are.

So for anyone wondering if a long distance relationship can work, the answer is a definite yes!

Nights in Rodanthe

I'm back from Denver and although I have a very busy week ahead of me, I'm still struggling with being away from Mike again.

Typically, we don't go to movies when we're together. To some extent it feels like a waste of our very precious "in-person" time. In fact, we have only been to 2 movies in nearly 3 years. That's not to say we don't watch movies. We just prefer to rent them and watch from home where we can be snuggled up together and chat if we want, pause if we want, you know... all the stuff that makes DVD technology so great.

Well, for our third anniversary (I can't believe we've been doing this for 3 years!) my sweet Mike has rented us a condo in Destin, Florida for an entire week (more on this later). How glorious is that! So anyway, I was in the mood for a romantic chick flick with a beach setting and Nights in Rodanthe seemed to fit the bill. I had no idea at the time that it involved a long-distance relationship. I don't want to give away the plot but suffice it to say that although I enjoyed the beach scenery, the movie was disheartening and tugs particularly hard at the heartstrings of those of us in LDRs.

I'm not suggesting you don't see it, I'm just telling you to be prepared and don't allow your emotions to be over-whelmed with "what-ifs".

Warm Hands, Warm Heart

I read a very interesting article this morning regarding how temperature affects our behavior and our attitude toward others - Hot cuppa makes you feel good about others.

It started with this intriguing first line:

Our judgement of someone's character can be influenced by something as simple as the temperature of a drink held in our hands, say US researchers.

It went on to describe how people assessed others after holding something warm or holding something cold.

The participants assessed the person as significantly "warmer" if they had previously held the warm cup of coffee rather than the iced cup of coffee.

It went on:

In a second study, participants held heated or frozen therapeutic packs as part of a product evaluation study and then were told they could receive a gift certificate for a friend or a gift for themselves.

Those who held the hot pack were more likely to ask for the gift certificate, while those who held the frozen pack tended to keep the gift for themselves.

"It appears that the effect of physical temperature is not just on how we see others, it affects our own behaviour as well," says Bargh.

"Physical warmth can make us see others as warmer people, but also cause us to be warmer - more generous and trusting - as well."

So what does all this have to do with long-distance relationships? Well, as we are painfully aware, we don't often get to share a warm embrace with our long-distance love. A great deal of our relationship takes place over the phone where it's impossible to see things like body language and facial expressions. This can sometimes lead to misunderstandings, especially when we may be stressed or tired.

Here's my personal plan, and dare I say recommendation for you to try as well. I'll make sure I have a warm drink in hand whenever there's the slightest chance that Mike and I will have a stressful conversation. And if a regular conversation takes an unexpected and relationship-endangering turn, I'll make a fast cup of tea in the microwave. That way, I'll be able to give Mike the benefit of the doubt and I'll be more loving in my words as well.

So why did it take researchers so long to figure out what my grandma used to say to me when I was a kid - "warm hands, warm heart"!

Playing House in Denver

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written a post. I am just way too busy right now. So this is just to let everyone know that I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Actually, I'm in Denver with my sweetie.

I came out to help Mike host his annual Fantasy Football League Monday Night Game. Denver played the Patriots (or should I say, got creamed by the Patriots). I made meatball sandwiches, baked rotini, pumpkin pie cake and mini cheesecakes. Despite the horrible game (for the Denver fans), the food was a big hit and it was fun "playing house" with Mike. What made it extra special was my son came out, too. He had never been to Mike's house and it was good for him to see where his mom lives the other half of her life.

This is kind of a long visit for me. I arrived last Friday and will be staying until Saturday or Sunday. I'd stay longer but I have obligations in Dallas that require my return. Happily, I will only be home a week before I leave for our anniversary trip to Destin, Florida. Three years! Unbelievable! I never thought I could do this LDR thing this long. But when you're in love...

Request For Poems and Quotes

I'm on a quest seeking poems and quotes relating to long-distance relationships. If you have something to submit, please send me an email: ann@alongdistancelove.com.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Is Cursive Dying?

This may seem like a rather odd topic for a blog on long-distance relationships but keep reading and the logic will make sense.

Yesterday, one of my friends told me she was having a discussion with some parents about education. She was shocked when these parents revealed that their children were no longer being taught to write in cursive. Granted this is second-hand information but it got me thinking. After getting over my own shock, I was saddened for two reasons.

The most obvious concern is that the ability to transmit information with paper and pen will decrease with the passing years. Not to mention, are we forgetting the little thrill we all get when there is something in our mailbox besides bills and junk mail? What will become of the gentility of a thank you note? Perhaps everyone will use print as opposed to cursive when writing by hand, but it will certainly be less elegant.

Setting aside the deteriorating ability to write, what will become of future generations' ability to read letters of historic value and interest? Will the love letters of the past, so carefully and lovingly crafted by hand, be converted into digital text to be read on a computer screen? Or worse, will they be lost forever, relegated to a forgotten storage room because few people can actually read them anyway?

One of the sweetest, most romantic things we can do for our long-distance sweetheart, is sit down and take the time to write a love letter by hand. There's something beyond definition that occurs when you write down your feelings by hand. Your entire body participates - your brain, your heart and your hand - strengthening your feelings and your bond to your faraway love. That same undefinable bond traverses the miles and fills your beloved with feelings of love and closeness when he or she reads your heartfelt words. It is such a wonderful way to stay connected despite the distance and I think it is so sad that it may slip away from us.

Now, having said all that, I have a confession. I was writing thank you notes for the gifts I received for my recent birthday and I was ashamed at how much trouble I had. Not with the expressions of gratitude, but with my ability to write legibly and without errors. I need to make an effort to write on a more regular basis. And what better way than to write to my dear Mike and let him know what he means to me. Won't you join me? Send a love letter to your sweetie today!

My eBook is Online

I know I haven't posted for awhile but I have a VERY good reason. I have been working diligently on the final edits of my eBook, "How to Make a Long-Distance Relationship Work". Long days and sleepless nights have gone into this project so I am thrilled to announce that the eagerly-awaited book is finally done and is online at www.alongdistancelove.com. Please take a minute to check it out.

I have learned so much while writing this. First their were the technical aspects of publishing an eBook. But more importantly, writing it gave me the opportunity to really think about my long-distance relationship - all the wonderful and positive things, and the unique challenges we all face when we participate in LDRs.

One of the really great things about pursuing this topic to build a business upon is that it reminds me how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful man in my life, despite the fact that he is usually 900 miles away. Focusing on how we are able to make our LDR work gives me inspiration to teach others to have the same kind of happy and fulfilling relationship that Mike and I share. And lastly, it keeps me very busy and helps the days pass quickly between visits.

Speaking of that, I will be going to Denver two weeks from today. Today is also a milestone in that it is our 35th monthiversary.

Mike has made special plans for our third anniversary next month so come back to get more details. It may give you some ideas on what you can do to add more romance to your LDR.

Social Networking

Mike left on Tuesday and I'm struggling with the separation... again. I had hoped things would get easier as I got used to the distance. After all, we've been doing this for nearly 3 years. In some ways they have gotten a little better. For instance, I've learned not to start crying the day before the visit ends. Rather, I try to enjoy every precious moment and save my tears for the hug goodbye at the airport.

On the other hand, it's harder for me to get back to my "normal" routine after a visit. I find myself questioning why we can't just be in the same place... together... for the rest of our days. Of course, the answers are still the same and the same frustrations rush over me like a giant wave and I feel like I'm drowning in sadness. It will be more than a year at least before we can consider moves.

I'm always looking for new ways to cope with the anxiety. Along those lines, I discovered a new social network called Ning and I decided to create a network for long distance relationships. It can be found at longdistancelove.ning.com. Hop on over and check it out. Join in and share with others who are dealing with the same issues as you. Sign up is free!

The Best Birthday Cake Ever

It's been very busy at my house ever since Mike got here which is why I haven't written for a few days. In my last post I was describing my traumatic visit to the jewelry store where I had to leave my engagement ring to have a missing diamond replaced. I'm happy to announce that true to their word, it was ready for me on Friday. It was very fortunate because Mike was here and was able to put it back on my finger as always.

We have had such an amazing time together. Last post I also hinted that I had a big event approaching. Well, I had a momentous birthday on Saturday. I must sound like a drama queen but this particularly birthday was kind of difficult for me - not so much because of the age, but more because I didn't expect my life to be where it is at this point. But I'm trying to focus on all the positives in my life and Mike is one of the biggest positives anyone could imagine.

He has been so incredibly sweet to me. As one of my birthday gifts, he made me a coconut cake from scratch. I LOVE coconut cake and haven't had one for longer than I can recall. It was the first scratch cake Mike had ever made and the first time a man had made a cake for me so I consider that rather significant. It is yet one more demonstration of the incredible, fairy tale love Mike and I share.

I can't begin to describe how sad I will be tomorrow when I have to take him to the airport. It seems to be getting harder to say goodbye.

A Ring Is Just A Ring - Or Is It?

So yesterday's trip to the jewelry store was more traumatic than I anticipated. It turned out when I got there that the guy I needed to see was on a conference call that was scheduled to last for another hour and a half. I couldn't wait that long so the woman helping me suggested I give her the ring and she would take it back for him to look at it. Of course, I politely refused. I wasn't taking off my ring unless it was absolutely necessary.

Jason, came out from his call, and although he tried valiantly to hide his irritation, I sensed it nonetheless. Who can blame him? I must have seemed like a truly emotional nutcase - it's just a ring after all!

As corny as this sounds, it's not just a ring to me. Mike and I had a discussion along these lines several months ago when a friend of his was offered three times the price he had paid for an engagement ring he bought through an online auction. Mike asked if I would sell my ring if someone offered me three times the amount he had paid. I said, "No way!" Playing devil's advocate he said it was just a ring that could be replaced. I quickly informed him that, indeed, it was just ring, a simple piece of jewelry... when it was in the case at the store. Once he bought it and put in on my finger - and yes, he got down on one knee - it became a symbol of our love and commitment. I can be such a romantic sometimes.

The day Mike proposed I vowed I would never take that ring off unless he was around to put it back on my finger. That may seem excessive to some people, but it has a lot of meaning for us and our long-distance relationship. It's something special that symbolizes our trust and commitment to each other despite the miles between us.

So, there I was at the jewelry store, sans Mike and I had to take off my ring. As I said, it was harder than I expected and I started to cry. Jason had gone back to his call and fortunately, I was in the hands of a woman who was very sympathetic and understanding. When I left the store, I couldn't believe how sullen I felt. My shoulders were slumped, my eyes were downcast, and I kept rubbing my naked finger. I called Mike and desperately kept swallowing the lump in my throat and blinking back the tears that were stinging my eyes.

I won't know until Friday how long it will take to fix my ring (see yesterday's post, 9/15) but I'm hoping to have it back in time for my big event on Saturday. I'll tell you about that next time!

A Missing Diamond

I had something happen yesterday that I would like to describe as a personal crisis but I really need to keep it in perspective. Especially in light of all the recent disasters that have affected so many people. But I'm sure you engaged women will be able to relate to my upsetting situation.

I have an absolutely gorgeous engagement ring. One of my little "things" is that I won't take my ring off unless Mike is around to put it back on my finger. Whenever we're together, we take it in to get it cleaned. It's insured so it also gets inspected every six months - when Mike is in town. I have developed the habit of checking it myself every day (often more than once) - mostly because I love it and it gives me a moment each day to relive the day my sweet love asked me to marry him, but also to make sure it is all intact.

Well, yesterday I went out to run some errands. I was stopped at a red light and looked at my ring and about freaked out... there was a diamond missing! I couldn't believe it. I looked again more closely and sure enough, one of the smaller diamonds on the band was gone. I was sick. I immediately called Mike.

He's such a sweetie, he called the jewelry store and called me back with the news. There are 2 scenarios neither of which I'm looking forward to because I will be without my ring no matter what. But one is definitely preferable to the other. Depending on what they find out when they actually see the ring, it will be off of my finger for anywhere from 3 days to 8 weeks! My stomach hurts just writing about it. I really can't imagine going 8 weeks with a naked finger.

Anyway, I won't know until tomorrow afternoon so I'll post after I find out the verdict. Of course I'm hoping for the 3 days. I think I can handle that, and Mike will be here to put it back on my finger.

When Stress Creeps In

I was hit in the head this past weekend. Don't worry, I'm talking figuratively here, not literally. I was reminded of something that you wouldn't think I'd forget... Remember to have fun!

Sounds kind of silly, doesn't it? The thing is, we all experience stress in our lives. Some days, or even extended periods of time can be more stressful than others. Recently, Mike and I have been a little caught up in our own personal stresses - mostly from work and getting our kids off to college. We tend to forget how stress creeps under our skin and affects our overall personality. We were talking every day as usual but the conversations were leaving me feeling as if something were missing. I began to question the direction of our relationship and if we were still connecting to each other as we had before.

Fortunately, Friday night we had a light-hearted, conversation full of joking and laughter. It was so delightful that I thanked Mike for how much fun I had.

So what's my point? Those of us in LDRs know how important it is to stay connected with our far-away love by sharing our days, good and bad, via phone conversations. However, without the warmth of a comforting embrace to ease away the stress of the day we need to work extra hard at letting go and allowing ourselves to be joyful, especially during our precious phone time. On a regular basis, we need to make a concerted effort to lock our stress in another room and just have fun with each other!

My eBook Is Nearly Done

Well, folks, I'm taking the plunge. I've been writing an eBook titled, "How to Make a Long-Distance Relationship Work" and it's almost ready for publication. I say almost because I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I keep editing it despite the experts advice that I just get it out there and begin working on a second book. I'm fairly certain that it will hit the Internet this week though. If you'd like to know when it is available, here are some options:

• Sign up in the left-hand column of this blog
• Visit www.alongdistancelove.com and sign up there (added bonus - you will receive my free report "7 Tips for Embracing the Positives of a Long-Distance Relationship")
• Send me an email at ann@alongdistancelove.com
• Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/annccook (I have to confess that I don't keep this updated as often as I'd like but I'll definitely post when the eBook is published)

Even if you're not ready to purchase the eBook, please visit the website and take advantage of the free report. Also, I'd love to hear from you about your personal LDR experiences. I'm gathering information for my next book and your story could be included.

Those Great Big Beautiful Eyes

It's funny how little things can have a profound impact on us. Of course, thoughts of Mike are as much a part of me as my arms and legs. But once in a while, I am struck, even overwhelmed with missing him, by some seemingly insignificant trigger. Let me tell you what happened this morning.

I do a LOT of technical reading and am constantly trying to learn about and keep up with my industry. To temper this flood of geekdom, I enjoy reading fiction and more often than not, mysteries. I was indulging myself in that particular guilty pleasure this morning when I read a line that made me miss Mike so intensely my heart ached.

You'll laugh when you read the line that brought tears to my eyes. "He had a receding hairline, sad china-blue eyes heavily wrinkled at the corners and a trim grey moustache." You'd be especially puzzled if you knew Mike, who has an incredible head of beautiful blond hair (so incredible, that people remark about it all the time), the happiest, smiling eyes you'd ever want to see, no wrinkles around his eyes or otherwise, and no moustache. So what was it that had such an impact on me? Three little words... china-blue eyes!

When Mike and I are together, I spend vast amounts of time just staring into his amazing eyes. It's indescribable how I feel when I am lost in them but I can tell you that they never fail to melt my heart. So just seeing those words on the page made my own eyes misty.

It's times like that that make long-distance relationships such a challenge. Unfortunately, I won't be gazing into those china-blues for another week and 5 days. I'll have to settle for the two-dimensional version that sits in a frame at my bedside.

Live And Let Live

I had a discussion with Mike this morning. I had a hard time articulating what was swirling around in my head but I was upset and needed to get it out. Don't get me wrong, I was not upset with Mike or anything about our relationship. In fact, it's the way Mike and I relate to each other that gives me hope that people really can learn to get along. As you can see, I'm still having trouble articulating so let me try this again.

Here's the deal (and this is NOT a new bit of insight) - there are two (or more) sides to every story.

Here's the question - can people learn to listen to the other person's side without taking it personally?

Now that I think about it, I believe this is a topic for an article, so as soon as I can get my thoughts together in a more coherent manner, I'm going to write one. I'm just too clouded by emotion right now.

Meanwhile, please permit me to take a personal moment to say thanks to Mike. We have definitely found a formula that works. While we share a great many views on life, as with any relationship, there are things in which we don't agree. What we do so well, is accept the validity of each other's opinions and feelings. When we disagree on something, we don't take it personally. Kind of like the 60's slogan, "Live and let live."